The couple after kids: how to stay a couple when you become parents
A baby turns a couple into a team overnight, and the team is exhausted. Sleep, time, money, roles and intimacy all change at once, and the relationship is usually the thing that gets put off "until things calm down". Here's what changes, what research says, and how to stay a couple while you're parents.
What changes, and why it's not just you
In a study published in 2009, the psychologist Brian Doss and his colleagues followed couples for eight years from the start of their marriages. Couples who had a first child saw a sharper drop in relationship quality after the birth than couples without children, whose satisfaction also declined, just more gradually. In other words: the dip is common and has a clear cause. It isn't a sign you picked the wrong person.
The usual suspects are sleep, less time alone, an uneven share of the work (much of it invisible: remembering, planning, noticing what's run out) and a love life that stalls while bodies recover and energy disappears.
Eight things that help
- Make the invisible work visible. Write down everything the household needs, including the remembering and planning, and split it out loud. Resentment grows from work nobody sees.
- Fifteen minutes a day not about the kids. Not logistics, not the schedule: how you are, what you're thinking about, something funny from your day.
- Protect sleep, in turns. Take nights or mornings by turns so each of you gets some real rest. Tired people fight more.
- A weekly date after bedtime. At home is fine. Here are 40 date night ideas at home, including ones for tired nights.
- Touch without expectations. Hugs, a hand on the back, falling asleep close. When every touch might be a question, people stop touching.
- Talk about desire honestly. It often comes back differently, or at different speeds for each of you. Here's what helps when one of you wants more.
- Keep a little of yourselves. A friend, a sport, an evening each. You'll bring more back home.
- Ask for help. Grandparents, friends, a sitter for two hours. Accepting help is part of the job.
Ten things to do after the kids are asleep
- Dinner for two at the table, with candles and no screens.
- A game: would you rather, cards, a quick board game.
- Twenty minutes of real conversation; try a few deep questions.
- A bath or shower together.
- Watch the film you saw on your first date.
- Plan a trip for when they're older, in detail.
- Look at photos from before the kids and tell each other what you remember.
- A slow massage, ten minutes each.
- Cook tomorrow's dinner together with music on.
- Go to bed early. Together.
When to get help
If either of you feels low, anxious or numb for weeks after the birth, that's not just tiredness: postnatal depression can affect mothers and fathers, and a doctor or midwife can help. If you're fighting constantly or feel like strangers, a couples therapist can help you find your way back to each other. Many couples go through this stage; the ones who talk about it early have an easier time.
Two minutes a day, still a couple
When days are full, La Brasa keeps a small thread between you: one question a day you each answer when you can, even at 2 am, and you see your partner's answer after yours. A tap says "Thinking of you" from the other room or the office. It isn't a date night, but it's something every day.
Get it on Google PlayIf you've been fighting more since the baby arrived, see how to make up after a fight.
Questions
Is it normal for a relationship to change after having a baby?
Yes. Sleep, time, roles and intimacy all change at once. A study that followed couples for eight years found that relationship quality tended to drop more sharply after the birth of a first child than for couples without children. It's common, and it can be worked on.
How do you keep the spark after having kids?
Protect small, regular time that isn't about the children: fifteen minutes a day to talk, one evening a week after bedtime, touch with no expectation attached. Share the invisible work out loud, and talk honestly about desire rather than waiting for it to come back on its own.
What can couples do after the kids go to bed?
A short date at home: dinner for two, a game, a film with phones away, a bath, twenty minutes of real conversation or simply going to bed early together. The ten ideas in this post need no babysitter.